This time of year is always tinged with a mix of joy and melancholy, though, as it makes me think of all the loved ones I won't be seeing; like my mother in Denver or the many friends I have scattered all over the world. I miss them, even some of the ones I haven't spoken to in years and years. I don't get close to people easily, and when I do, I usually invest a lot of myself into the friendship.
My mind has turned suddenly to holiday traditions, and having had so many families growing up, there aren't a lot of 'traditions' that made it through to my adulthood in tact. In fact, aside from having a Christmas tree, I'm not sure there really are any. My Grandmother always made a ham, but she no longer does since she lives in a tiny apartment and all her grandchildren are grown and have obligations to others. My stepmother's family always opened new pajamas on Christmas Eve, but I didn't grow up with them so that didn't make it into my own home. My ex-in-laws have a cookie making day, but it's mostly my ex-sister-in-law and she does it in Fresno with her grandfather. It's kind of funny, in a ruminative sort of way, how I've always been surrounded by family traditions, but the families changed often enough that I was only included in them for a few years and none of them felt, or feel now, like I belong to them.
I started making cookies on Christmas Eve for Santa with Kadin when he was young...but both boys will be with their Dad this year, and I won't have the opportunity for that. [insert long, pensive sigh here] I guess it's just the tree and Santa this year. But that's not so bad, really; both boys will be waking up here Christmas morning, and trotting down the stairs to find a ton of gifts stuffed under our modest little tree. Their joy and excitement make the whole holiday worthwhile.
So despite having a pinch of holiday-related blues, I'm excited nonetheless... and wish these next few weeks would skate on by, already!
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| Max checking out my snowman glitter globe |
