The Ugly Green Monster - PhotogEnvy

For those who don't already know, I work two jobs and I'm a mother of two (and a dog). My boyfriend Jeremy, who I live with, is in school 3 nights a week so it's a lot like he works two jobs as well. 

Sometimes I read the blogs of other photographers. I have various reasons - inspiration, gleaning technical knowledge, connection with other people who share my interests, etc. But sometimes I think nasty thoughts and I am embarrassed of that - nasty as in, "yeah well I'd be that good if I had no ties to anything other than waltzing around with my camera all day!!!" I am completely and utterly embarrassed about this and feel like I should address it here, because there might be other people beating themselves up about it, too. And if we are going to feel bad, at least we can have some company while we're at it so we know we're not anomalies.

If you've ever heard of a woman named Jasmine Star, you might be feeling me on what I have come to dub "PhotogEnvy". In actuality, it's more like an envy of lifestyle in relation to being a photographer....but the short form works to save character space. I'm using Jasmine as an example here because she fits the profile I'm referring to, she's very public about her personal story and her career, and because she's unknowingly fallen victim to my PhotogEnvy. Let me share with you the terribly embarrassing story.

I recently blocked Jasmine Star from my Twitter feed and my Facebook home page - not for any good reason other than jealousy, really. I told myself that she is more lucky than talented, told myself that she has nothing important to say because she posts so much random personal tidbits that have nothing to do with photography. I started attributing Jasmine's success to the fact that she A. has a super talented husband that she bullied into shooting with her, and B. has nothing else to do with her time, because she has no children.

*cringe*cringe*cringe*

Yes, I realize that that is totally unfair. Jasmine is where she is because she's worked her tail end off for it. I've met Jasmine very briefly and she is sweet as pie. But you also know right away when you hear her speak that Jasmine is no-nonsense. When she feels challenged, she digs her heels in and pushes back. What I was really feeling had absolutely nothing to do with Jasmine, and everything to do with me feeling totally inadequate as a photographer and totally overwhelmed with working so much and the boys having such a busy schedule, and Jeremy being gone enough that the brunt of the child rearing falls on me when the boys are here.

I have quite a bit of money sitting in the bank, but every penny has to be saved for this winter to pay daycare, despite me wanting so desperately to invest it in my business (lenses). Jasmine Star doesn't pay daycare. Hell, half the really successful photographers that I follow either on Twitter or Facebook don't have children, and here I am, 16 weddings booked for next year, only 4 away from my goal, plenty of projects lined up and plenty of ideas to draw from and yet I'm questioning my talent, growth and business because I'm comparing myself to other photographers who have a totally different lifestyle.

Once I realized that, the envy let up. I unblocked Jasmine and sent her a silent apology.

I'll tell you one thing that I know that Jasmine doesn't know anything about - the gloriously exciting and incredibly frightening and yet totally rapturous wave of confusing emotions that wash over you when you:

-hear your child's heartbeat for the first time

-first feel your baby's fluttery movements in your belly

-lay on a tall bed in an almost all-white room, hooked up to and plugged into several various machines, waiting... and waiting...

-hear YOUR child's first cry

-hold a warm, fragile-yet-resilient, tiny bundle to your chest, weighing all the implications of knowing that you are completely responsible for this little person, that is a part of you living outside of yourself and yet also completely separate and unique of you

-haven't slept more than 2 hours a day for months on end and yet somehow still manage to love and adore and cherish every detail, every little characteristic - even the cry that you know will soon turn into a wail, then turn into the word "no", then turn into silent dirty looks, until they are even too big to acknowledge you as "mom" anymore

-take them to the hospital for the first time

and a million other nuances that go along with being a parent.

And, difficult as it is to try and work two jobs and get both boys to all the cool places that they need to be all the time, be it school, hip hop class, boy scouts, soccer, football or whatever else they have going on at the time, I wouldn't go back to a regular job because I couldn't. I simply refuse to. I lovelovelove being a photographer, and I'm good at it (and improving all the time).

Fact is, everyone needs reassurance from time to time, and we all need a break from pressuring ourselves so much to keep up with our peers. Would Jasmine Star live and work differently if she had children? I'm sure of it. Would she still have her same schedule and be able to work out everyday for an hour, then work for 6 hours straight just on her photography/work? I doubt it. Does she even do that now? Sure... when she's home. But I also know that she's not always home. She travels for weddings, she travels for training, she does workshops and is involved in so much more than just working in front of her computer and going to the gym and walking her dog and smooching on her hubby.

So here is my very sincere apology to Jasmine Star and anyone else who's been on the receiving end of my PhotogEnvy.

Also here is my attempt at reassuring myself that my first year has been phenomenal, and my second year will be even more amazing.

And here is one more reassurance to myself - soon enough you won't have any daycare costs and you can start investing that money in the glass you want, paying off debt, saving some for a rainy day, buying the boys clothes/shoes guilt-free, and maybe indulging in a pedicure once a year.

Until then, having daycare costs means that your babies are still young - and you should enjoy them that way before they grow into rotten teenagers and can't stand your face anymore.


For my friends who have experienced PhotogEnvy or anything like it, take heart - you are perfect just the way you are. Keep growing and learning. And hang on to your personal cheerleaders for when you have days (or weeks, or if you're like me, a whole month) like I'm having. For when you're downtrodden, overwhelmed, run ragged, and on the verge of tears - that's when you'll need them the most. If for nothing else, to indulge in margaritas with you.

And if you need a personal cheerleader, I'd be happy to fill out an application for the position. xo