Saying Goodbye

I have been reading the Dark Tower series for about 2 years now, and finally I have come to the seventh and final book. And I think anyone who is an avid reader and book lover, anyone who has ever been really emotionally invested in a story, can empathesize with where I am right now -

Mourning.

You see, I don't like goodbyes. And the end is near... I would rather turn my back and walk away, having chosen to leave first, rather than deal with the grief. Rather than allow myself to embrace it, properly say goodbye, and have closure. No, that's not for me. I'd much rather end it the EASY way - walk away now, mid-novel, and always wonder over the ending. Always regret being too scared to do it the RIGHT way, the hard and healthy way.

Eddie of New York has died, being shot in the head and dying a true gunslinger's death, and Jake, also of New York, has died as well, sacrificing himself to save Stephen King's life, allowing him to live long enough to finish the Dark Tower tale. I cried real tears of sorrow for them, and for Susannah and Roland and Oy. And I cried tears of true gratitude and joy, as Jeremy slid onto the bed next to me, folding me into his arms, tucking my cheek into the curve of his neck, and entwining our legs. The weight of him, his warmth, the sweet scrub of his goatee against my cheek, all pink and blotchy and damp with tears, drove home all of the depth of emotion and utter reality that writers have the magic to create.

Earlier in the book, King writes, "do any of us, except in our dreams, truly expect to be reunited with our hearts' deepest loves, even when they leave us only for minutes, and on the most mundane of errands? No, not at all. Each time they go from our sight, we in our secret hearts count them as dead. Having been given so much, we reason, how could we expect not to be brought as low as Lucifer for the staggering presumptions of our love?"

And so it was, with Jeremy and I, that we were once separated and found ourselves reunited again. So it is that with every morning that I awake next to this amazing, beautiful man, I praise the lord, universe, et cetera that I've been given one more day, one more glorious day with him...and expect that it will be the last. Surely I cannot deserve this, day after day, for the rest of my life. Surely, tomorrow will bring the unspeakable disaster that will part us again, forever this time. Because it just can't be possible that I can deserve this much happiness, this much love, this much good stuff, this MUCH.

I have set the book aside for now, but I am being brave, and I will finish it. Am determined to finish the series with my chin up. Roland, Susannah and Oy, I will say goodbye bravely, and read on until the very last page, the very last word.